The Little Men In My Life

The Little Men In My Life

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Removing the Weeds

I spent a majority of last night weeding my garden – alone – by choice – to think and pray.  Being a woman of God is hard work.  Extremely hard. I know we all face different battles and have different loads to bear along this journey, but in my own life, the biggest obstacle to remaining faithful to the Lord is Nate.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband – dearly – but I think I have a really good idea of why Paul urged his followers in I Corinthians 7 to remain single if they were called to that life.  I also now see what he meant specifically in verse 28 that if a woman marries, she will struggle the rest of her life.  I have a very sweet husband who is always striving to be better, but yet, he is human, and his actions directly affect myself and the boys (and yes, our unborn baby). As time goes on (and as I continue to strive to worry about my OWN walk with the Lord and not my husband’s), I am realizing that Paul’s words could not have been more clear.    

Of course he couldn’t spell it out for his readers.  In my opinion, you can’t fully understand the brevity of those words until a spiritual woman (or man for that matter) is married and the battle of the spirit and the flesh start.  The woes of his needs and desires vs. her needs and desires is a daily, even hourly attention. I remember naively thinking that making decisions as a team would be easy – we both wanted similar things out of life.  However, as time goes on, I am realizing more and more that Nate and I are completely and utterly polar opposites.  Our expectations in life (both in jobs and marriage) could not be more different.  Now, we have learned how to compromise and make sacrifices for one another over the years (trust me – it wasn’t easy), but really, it is a daily battle field. 

I remember the day when it occurred to me that I had complete power over my marital situation and ultimately my own happiness if I would only my heart to the Lord.  Up until that point, I had been wallowing in my pity because I could not change my husband – this came after years of disappointment and heartache (and me not responding very well to being betrayed).  Even my own parents and in-laws had no words of comfort or wisdom.  I felt utterly alone, and trust me, I had tried everything. I had been reading a few different Christian books on the subject (“Love Must Be Tough,” by Dr. James Dobson; “The Power of a Praying Wife,” by Stormie Omartian; and “The Sacred Marriage,” by Gary Thomas), and for whatever reason, the words in those books rang the truth I had been searching for.  I had to work on me…daily…hourly…down to the minute.  I needed to work on my attitude.  Nate will always let me down, he will dissapoint me again.  We are human -- it is what we do without Christ.

So, rather than getting upset over something that really, I had no way of changing myself, I opted to pour myself into the earth and tilled the land.  How primal, yet, it was exactly what I needed.  As I hoed the garden, pulling and removing the weeds, I thought about how Christ has to do that daily to my soul.  God plants in me this beautiful garden worth of producing amazing fruit, and yet, the weeds are always there.  It is up to me to clear out the weeds and make room for the good plants -- daily.  If I neglect my job for even a day or two, the weeds start spouting gain, and if I let them continue to grow, they will choke out the good plants.  How many times have I allowed that to happen in the past.  SO MANY times I can’t even count!  I start out with good intentions: I pray and meditate on God’s word, but then get comfortable, or worse, get discouraged when things aren’t as sunny.  I have allowed anger, bitterness, and self-righteousness to enter my heart at times, and those weeds have killed any beautiful thing that could have produced fruit.       

I share these things because even after the stormiest of nights in our marriage, though it is on the mends and the issues are behind us, I still am finding out just how hard it is to be a Godly Christian wife. There are still situations (even small ones) that really anger or hurt me, and despite maybe even being justified in my anger, it is my responsibility to act the way that God wants me to respond.  THAT is what Paul meant when he said that “she will struggle the rest of her life.”  I am in a constant battle.  We all are in a constant battle.  Paul saw how one could focus that much more on the Lord as a single man/woman – without the distraction of a spouse’s actions.  However, I would almost argue that the struggle we face actually brings us closer to God (IF you let it).

First, I think it is important to know that you are not alone in your walk.  If you are struggling, please find someone you can share close intimate facts with.  I went through a time in my marriage when I thought sharing was sinful and gossiping…and it ended up driving me mad.  I eventually lost all hope and in turn lost vision of what God asked of me – I then shared WAY too much with too many people almost in desperation that someone would listen and show interest.  Just so you know…it won’t end well!

Second, pray continually.  Give God the desires of your heart.  Pray fervently for your spouse.  You can’t change him/her, but you can start by asking God to work in your own heart and change your heart.  Ultimately, you are only responsible for YOUR relationship with God – despite the fact that your spouse may never walk completely with the Lord.  Make the most of it – and stop wallowing – and start living for God!

Third, share your journey.  Don’t gossip about it, but be open and transparent in your struggles.  I think one of the greatest strengths in a Christian is when they can admit to their weakness.  No one is perfect – NO ONE!  If they appear perfect, they most likely are faking it.  We are called to live in a community where we bear one another’s burdens.  We help one another spur on towards Godliness and towards living a life more like Christ.  How can we do that if we harbor in all these feelings.  Be careful how you share – and make sure it is honoring to God – but please – help “me” grow by telling me about your walk.

I want to end this post with a request for prayer.  These last four months since Nate has been home have been a struggle.  There have been so many joyful days, but ultimately, there are situations that have stirred up past hurt and heartache, and I don’t really know what to do with those feelings.  I need prayer – Nate needs prayer – our family needs prayer.  There are big decisions to be made, leadership to own, and submitting to follow.  It is hard work – extremely hard – and one I am asking you to commit to prayer.  There are things that I don’t think most of you would even understand unless you walked a mile in my shoes, but really, it is a daily uphill battle for me.  Please pray for our family as we remove the weeds in our hearts and make room for the fruit to produce.

No comments:

Post a Comment